If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
