I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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