im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
