my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
