i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
