Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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