I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
