Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
