why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
