This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
