i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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