Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
