Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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