dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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