I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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