Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
