I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
