I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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