sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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