Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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