1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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