No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
