well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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