if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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