Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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