y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
