i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
