ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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