Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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