WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
