if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
