Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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