On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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