I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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