I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
smell my finger.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
