Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
