that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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