The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
