You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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