the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize