I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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