don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
