I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
