I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
