my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
