The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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