Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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