I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
