He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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