she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
