omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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