If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
