Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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