we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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