The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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